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1. Kids say the darndest things!
2. I'm comin' ta join ya honey!
3. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion needs glasses.
This post was edited by Nashnole on 3/14/2013 at 5:41 AM
A house keeper is talking to the lady of the one day and here is how that convo went.
House keeper: So i think i should get a raise.
Lady: Why is that?
HK: Because i iron clothes better than you.
Lady: Who told you that?
HK: Your husband.
Lady: Really? Anything else you are better at?
HK: Yes, i am also better at cooking than you.
Lady: Who told you that?
HK: Your husband.
Lady: Well my husband does not write the checks around here. I do.
HK: Well in that case, i am also better in bed than you.
Lady: Let me guess, my husband told you that too?
HK: No the gardener told me that!
Lady: I'll get my checkbook.
A woman interviews for a job in a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. She does well, and gets hired for the job. She goes on the line, but it starts slowing down a little.
The inspector walks down the line, and sees nothing wrong with the first few hundred dolls, but then he notices that the next several dozen have cotton balls stapled to their crotches. It’s the new hire!
The inspector and manager get her in the office and ask her what is going on. She objects, saying that’s what they told her to do! The inspector busts out laughing.
“No, lady. That’s not what I said at all. I said “Give each doll two test tickles!”
A priest asks a rabbi, " do you make good money doing those circumcisions?" Rabbi says "no not really, but i do get to keep the tips"
Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?
Because it says "No Tres-Passing"
This post was edited by equanole on 3/14/2013 at 12:26 PM
Whoopie from Outer Space.
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Well done Nash, Now i have students looking at me wondering why I'm laughing so hard.
Well done Nash, Now i have students looking at me wondering why I'm laughing so hard.
Well done Nash, Now i have students looking at me wondering why I'm laughing so hard.
Dadgummit! Now I have to stay after school AGAIN!
NO Coach! It wasn't ME who snapped the elastic band in Connie's panties from behind! I SWEAR it! She, she, she, she WANTED me to do it!
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend,
'I wish I had bigger boobs'.
The boyfriend says
'Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your knockers for 2 months'.
'How will that help to make my breasts bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well, it worked GREAT for your butt' says the boyfriend.
And that's how the fight started.
This post was edited by Nashnole on 3/15/2013 at 9:04 AM
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.
The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.
She says, V-A-N.
He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.
She says, S-T-R-A-W
He then asks her how she spells f**k as in chocolate.
After a while she says there is no f**k in chocolate.
THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY crapped my pants..."
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Boy: Let's Play The Firetruck Game.
Girl: How Do You Play?
Boy: I Run My Fingers Up Your Leg, And You Say "Redlight" When You Want Me To Stop.
Girl: Okay :).
*Few Seconds Later*
Boy: Firetrucks Don't Stop For Redlights ;)
Now this one is a bit politically incorrect. You is warned!!!!!!
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
So Coach Fisher, Coach Pruitt, and Coach Meyer are all at the world fair. They come across
the guinness world record booth, when Coach fisher says i think i have the world biggest
offensive mind. So he goes into the booth, and comes out pumping his chest in victory.
Next Pruitt walks up and says to the group i think i got the biggest feet in the world. They
wish him luck as he steps into the booth, and he comes out fist pumping in victory. They
both turn to Coach Meyer and asks if he is going to try. He sheepishly hangs in head and
says yeah but come in close i'm embarrassed to say this "im going to go for the world
smallest weenie." The other coaches snicker but wish him luck. A few minutes later he
walks out hotter than a firecracker, cussing, and kicking dirt. Coach Fisher, and Pruitt walk
over and say hey whats the matter did you win? Coach Meyer reply's back "No Just who
the F*** is this Saban guy!"
This post was edited by coachTnole on 3/18/2013 at 8:52 AM
I'VE HATED THE GATORS FOR WELL OVER 4 DECADES! I stole all of these jokes and I don't care!
What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?
Why can't Steve Spurrier go on the internet?
He can't put 3 w's together.
How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?
Put a goal post up!
What is the definition of safe sex down in Gainesville?
Placing signs on the animals that kick.
What's the difference betwen a 300 pound heifer and a UF cheerleader?
About 30 pounds, but if you grain feed the heifer, she'll catch up.
How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?
Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!
What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.
If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?
What's the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?
What's the best thing to come out of Gainesville?
Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?
He was throwing away too many W's.
How many Gators does it take to tackle Chris Weinke?
Good question, no one knows.
What did the UF graduate say to the FSU graduate?
"You want fries with that?"
Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you sell out a UF home game?
Invite the Florida State Seminoles!
What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?
Get more cement!
Good uses for a UF diploma:
Toilet paper; Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker; Crying towel; Proof of need for welfare.
How many Gators does it take to tackle Charlie Ward?
I don't know, but it's more than eleven!
A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the Florida State vs. Uf game. The gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man, that's amazing. What does your dog do when UF beats the Noles?" The guy replied, "I dunno, I've only had him 3 years."
What does the average UF student get on their SAT's?
Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?
He wanted an academic challenge!
A FSU grad, a Miami grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The FSU grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the FSU grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Miami grad is next, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Miami grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers that the FSU and Miami grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"
What do a FSU student and a UF student have in common?
They were both accepted to UF.
There was an UF grad who bought a horse from a minister. The minister said, "Say 'Praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'Amen' to make him stop." The UF grad took the horse and left. They were galloping at quite a fast pace when they suddenly approached a cliff. The Gator forgot what to do, and kept on yelling, "Stop! Stop!" until he finally remembered. He then yelled "Amen," and the horse stopped. Seeing that they were saved and only a few inches away from the cliff, the Gator was rejoiced and yelled, "Praise the Lord!"
What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?
They both always end up in trailer parks!
A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."
There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?" "No," said the child, "he beats me." "Do you want to live with your Mom?" "No, she beats me too." "Well who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with a Gator Fan." Confused, the judge asked, "Why?" The child replied, "Because they never beat anybody that's good!"
One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, "I bet your from the University of Florida." "Why yes I am" answered the other. "How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?" "No," replied the first, "I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."
There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from Tallahassee to Gainesville. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!" Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Nole thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now let's bond." So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels still intact. He says to the Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!" The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Why couldn't UF have a nativity scene this past Christmas?
They couldn't find three wise men.
What is the difference between a Gator fan's car and a Porcupine?
The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Nole, one was a cane and one was a gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money for tickets to the events. The Seminole put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the basketball venue and said "Johnson, Florida State University, basketball." The security guard let him in. The cane got the message. He put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track venue and said "Smith, University of Miami, track." The security guard let him in. The gator thought he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said "Miller, University of Florida, fencing."
Top 10 Classes at UF.
1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?
2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course
4) Hand-Shadow Workshop
5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
7) Hooked on Phonics
8) The College Classroom: A Simulation
9) ABC's: An Extended Version
10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines.
They've hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She's a robot. A man walked in and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don't mind sir, would you tell me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!
If you have one gun with two bullets, and Steve Spurrier, Hussein, and Castro in a room, what do you do?
Shoot Spurrier twice to make sure the jerk is dead.
What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and a litter of puppies?
Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining.
A woman wants a sophisticated sports car, saved and saved and scrimped and after 5 years she finally had enough money and credit to purchase this special car. So, she buys the car with all the fancy gear and takes it out for a ride, but with all the buttons she can't find the radio controls. She pushes every button on the console but....no luck. So she goes back to the dealership and complains about there being no radio, and the salesman says: on a car like this, the radio has to be very very special....in fact, it is voice activated. Girl asks: how do you get it to work? Salesman says: Radio on: And from a hidden speaker the radio comes on and says what station? Sales guy says: Rock music: Right there the radio plays Rolling Stones record from WKGR; Guy says: County music: Right there the radio plays Garth Brooks on WIRK;Guy says: Alternative: Radio plays Nirvana from WBZ. The girl is ecstatic. Takes the car out. Says: Oldies: On comes WBCH and Bachman Tuner Overdrive. Just then, a car cuts in front of the girl, causes her to screech to a halt. She says: Idiot! From the radio: Welcome to the Steve Spurrier Show.
What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator's life?
What do you call a Gator with half a brain?
What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?
How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.
Why don't Gators use 911 in an emergency?
They can't find 11 on the dial.
Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?
A "Whine" Cellar.
Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as towhich one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Miami grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Miami! Go Canes!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Cental Florida! Let's Go Knights!" Seeing this, the Florida State grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.
Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?
So they can park in "handicapped" spaces.
How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza!!!!
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?"
Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?" The guy replies, "What? and have to explain it four times?"
What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
On the UF campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.
What's the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?
You only get three quarters out of a Gator.
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